Manchester United players given bizarre ratings by the Guardian

Last night's Manchester derby started so well for United, who came out of the blocks with purpose and intent, determined not to let their fierce rivals humiliate them in their own backyard. The Red Devils were quick to close City down and put pressure on the visitors backline, which at first looked as though it worked, as Vincent Kompany looked panicked and flustered on the ball, giving it away at every opportunity.

The experienced Belgian even picked up a yellow card within ten minutes after a mistimed shoulder barge on Marcus Rashford, while players usually so cool with the ball at their feet were sloppy in possession. Bernardo Silva and Raheem Sterling couldn't get their touch right and were careless in the final third - this was United's chance to upset the applecart.

Did they take it? Absolutely not. Half-time came and saw a chance for both sides to regroup, and with the less-than-impressed Pep Guardiola watching on, almost in dismay at how poor his side were in the first half, there's absolutely no doubting what the atmosphere would have been like in the away changing room at Old Trafford last night.

Whatever the Spaniard said, it worked a treat. City came out of the tunnel a different side, and it took just nine minutes for them to forge and opening. Bernardo Silva would have been disappointed with his first half performance, but can once again hold his head high thanks to a scintillating display after the break, which included a well taken goal to put his side in front.

Luke Shaw should have done better, without doubt, while part of the blame must also be given to the out-of-sorts David de Gea, who got his positioning all wrong as the ball trickled past him at the near post. The 28-year-old is struggling for form at the minute; his confidence is at an all-time low and it's starting to show. City's second, which came just twelve minutes after the first, epitomised how things are going for the Spanish shot stopper at the moment.

An invigorated City side, hungry for a second attacked United's shambolic, makeshift backline with intent. Sterling fed the substitute Leroy Sane who blasted the ball goal-wards. You'd expect de Gea to deal with it, but he doesn't and the ball finds the back on the net - 2-0 City and game over with still 25 minutes left on the clock.

United were a shadow of their first half selves: they looked deflated and tired, depressed over the fact that City are streets ahead of them and will be for the foreseeable future. A lifeless midfield of Pogba and Fred, who were arguably two of City's best players last night, once again summarised everything wrong with the club. With a combined cost of £140m, you'd expect them to at least be able to kick the ball to a player on the same team, but no.

Matteo Darmian's surprise inclusion last night shocked everyone, and we now know why he hasn't played much of late. Apart from being ruled out through injury, the bit-part Italian is just rubbish. Lingard missed an open goal and created nothing when he got the ball, Ashley Young couldn't cross a road these days and as for the substitutes - where do you begin?

I still cannot believe Alexis Sanchez gets paid half a million pounds (also known as £500,000) a week, yes week, to play football when he looks so disinterested whenever he's offered a brief cameo by manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer. How does a player just lose all of his ability overnight? It's absolutely baffling.

Lukaku needs to chill out in the gym, the Belgian used to be able to use his towering stature to his advantage, bullying defenders before running off them at pace and creating goalscoring opportunities. He's now too big, looks like he can't run and still couldn't trap a bag of cement. A clear-out is needed at Old Trafford this summer if they're to get anywhere near where they want to be next season, that's for certain.

After an overall disasterclass from the hosts, what did bring a smile to our faces, were the Guardian's 'player ratings' from last night's encounter. We can only imagine who wrote them is a devout Man United fan simply REFUSING to give City any credit, who absolutely believes that his beloved side actually did alright. Credit the guy's loyalty, but this is totally ridiculous.

Bernardo Silva was the only City player to obtain a rating higher than any United player, with his performance last night earning him an 8/10 - just one mark higher than Fred - who's performance they described as 'composed and classy'. Yes you did read that right, the fella who was kicking the ball to the other team when he wasn't busy tripping over it or kicking it out of play - composed and classy.

Pogba's brief synopsis read: "Would he bring his A-game? This was the good Pogba who always looked to be positive. 7". Riiiight, this has got to be a wind up? Not only did he look disinterested in the game whenever things got tough (standard behaviour), but when he did get the ball in a good position, kicked it aimlessly as far as he could. Sometimes it worked, most of the time it didn't. As the game neared its end, the Frenchman just booted it out of play, like a furious spoilt child waiting for the match to finish.

Andreas Pereira, who spent the most part of the game flying into challenges and mouthing off to players much better than him was also awarded a seven, of course he was. "Was cultured in arguably his best display in United colours – unlucky to be replaced," read the Brazilian's performance summary. Cultured.

On the flip-side, Kyle Walker received a 4/10, Kompany and Laporte received a 5, as did left-back Oleksandr Zinchenko. Seems fair, only kept a clean sheet away from home I suppose. Walker didn't have his best game by any stretch of the imagination, but to write: "Hit one pass straight out, was shaky and failed to join the attack enough to aid his team" alongside his rating is bordering on insanity, as that is literally describing Fred's performance. You know, the classy one.

Overall, the Guardian gave United a 65/110 mark and City a 69/110. Speechless.